Ever wanted to prove to everyone that you don’t know what’s what when it comes to Internet marketing? Here are ten things you can say that will clearly demonstrate you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The company that’s designing my website has taken care of our SEO
Ummmm…. no it has not. Website design is not the same as website optimisation. They’re not even close. Unless your web designer is on a retainer for the next year-plus, he is not taking care of your SEO.
Website optimisation is an ongoing process. First you have to work hard for months on your own site (onsite optimisation) and on other sites that are relevant to yours (offsite optimisation) to get your site to climb the search rankings. Then, once it’s in the top three, you have to continue to work hard on your own site and on others to defend its position. If your web designer does offer these services (competently), you will be getting a bill of ?1,500 to ?5,000 per month. They will not optimise your website as part of the design cost.
My customers don’t want to engage with businesses on Facebook
Wrong again. The average Facebook user likes 81 brand and product pages and if you think members of your target audience are among the billion people who currently use Facebook you should be one of the 13 million businesses that engages with them. Yes, the way you market yourself on Facebook is very different from the way you do on other platforms, but that doesn’t mean it is not important.
I’m looking for an intern to design and run my social media strategy
Then your social media strategy is going to bellyflop. Luckily for me, you are not the only person in this world who thinks a student looking for work experience knows enough about marketing to design and run a strategy. I say luckily because it is for this very reason that most businesses are not as successful as their owners would like them to be: their marketing sucks. Which only makes my clients’ great marketing strategies look even better.
I’ve written a press release. How much will you charge to send it out?
One million dollars. That’s my price. And that’s because the fact that you think I can just send out your media release to the media and your story will magically appear in the papers the next day means that you don’t know much about marketing. And that means your press release is not going to be the kind of press release that makes news headlines. In fact, it’s going to be pretty poor at best, so when I send it to the journalists in my network it’s going to annoy them and prevent them from taking my calls in future, which will jeopardise my chances of getting results for all my other clients, which will be a major threat to my business. I value that threat at one million dollars.
We’re launching a new website and we’d like some PR around it
When was the last time you read the headline “company launches website” in the FT. This is not news.
I’d like a viral video showing what my company does
What makes a video go viral? Shareability. Your standard corporate video is not shareable. It will not go viral. If you want a viral video, you need to make something that people want to share. It has to be funny, heartwrenching or utterly impressive (in a how-the-hell-did-they-do-that? way). Your corporate video should not be like that!
I would like to be in the national media every day for the month of May
Then commit a crime. And make it a big one. Or become prime minister.
I’ve found a great SEO agency and they only costs ?700 a month
You are wasting your money. SEO is an ongoing process. It’s incredibly difficult and it requires deep business insight and knowledge to build the reputation of your website. If you know anything about marketing or economics you will know that the anyone of this calibre costs ?100 an hour, and that seven hours a month will have no impact on your website.
I’ve optimised my website copy for three keywords per hundred words
Silly you. You should have optimised your website copy to gain maximum user engagement. That’ll make your visitors happy. And when your visitors are happy, Google is happy
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Heather Baker is CEO of London B2B Digital Marketing Agency TopLine Communications.
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